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"34. I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions."
George Carlin
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"35. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."
George Carlin
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"36. When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat."
George Carlin
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"37. Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it."
George Carlin
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"38. I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos."
George Carlin
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"39. I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook."
George Carlin
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"40. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood."
George Carlin
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"41. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature."
George Carlin
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"42. So I say, Live and let live. That's my motto. Live and let live. Anyone who can't go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It's a simple philosophy, but it's always worked in our family."
George Carlin
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"43. Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason."
George Carlin
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"44. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”"
George Carlin
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"45. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to."
George Carlin
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"46. Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter."
George Carlin
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"47. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr."
George Carlin
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"48. God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile."
George Carlin
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"49. I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade."
George Carlin
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"50. One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired."
George Carlin
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"51. If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?"
George Carlin
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"52. What year did Jesus think it was?"
George Carlin
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"53. George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country."
George Carlin
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"55. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem."
George Carlin
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"57. “One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict."
George Carlin
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"58. No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it."
George Carlin
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"59. Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here."
George Carlin
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"60. The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash."
George Carlin
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