North vs. South


General News
North vs. South

The North has coffee houses,
The South has Waffle Houses

The North has dating services,
The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives,
The South has Press-on Nails

The North has double last names,
The South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races,
The South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat,
The South has grits.

The North has green salads,
The South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters,
The South has crawfish.

The North has the rust belt,
The South has the Bible Belt.

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .

In the South: If you run your car into a ditch, don't! panic. Four men in
a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly.
Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....do
not buy food at this store.

Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's"
is plural possessive.!

Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to
use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't
understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a
transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or
big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect
this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should
stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest
accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery
store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go
there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns,
they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn
is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't
think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in
the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

Send this to four people that ain't related to you! , and I reckon your
life will turn into a country music song 'fore you know it.

Your kin would get a kick out of it too!
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The bottle of Merlot


General News

A Texas gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an
attractive woman.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the
gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and
decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was
lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the
gentleman.

The note read:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your
garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the Texan decided to compose one of his own in
return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed
him to return this to the woman.

It read:
"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes
CL600, a Porsche Turbo, Toyota Prius and Matrix, in my garage, beautiful
homes in Aspen , Colorado and Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas
There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not
even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off.
Just send the bottle back!!!
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Biker in Heaven


General News

Arthur Davidson, the inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, died
and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've
been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your
reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute, then said, "I want to hang out
with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who
invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a
road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but
aren't You the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and
waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God
read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur,
"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than
yours."
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Top Country Songs


General News
Tennessee's Top 12 Country Songs

11. It's Hard to Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.

10. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

9. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well.

8. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.

7. I Wouldn't take her to a Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.

6. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.

5. I'm So Miserable without you, It's like You're Still Here.

4. If I Had Shot You When I First wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By now.

3. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him.

2. She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger.

And the number 1 Country Song is:
 
    1. I Ain't Never Gone to Bed with Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woke Up With a Few.
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Political Correctness


General News
The following is the winning entry from an annual contest calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term: Political Correctness.

And the winning definition:

Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end!
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Health Q & A


General News
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.. don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life
of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
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Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable products.
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Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that
means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the
goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
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Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If
you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
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Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
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Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad
for you?
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Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
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Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best
feel-good food around!
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Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
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Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
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Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets.

And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!!!
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25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP


General News


1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good sh!t."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh shit ,what the hell happened?"

Bonus:
26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.
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The Lord and the Biker


General News
 THE LORD AND THE BIKER:
 
 A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly
the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice,
The Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful To me
in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
 
 The biker pulled over and said,
"Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I Want."
 
 The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports
required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! Think of the concrete
and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural
resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire
for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something
that would honor and glorify me."
 
 The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said,
"Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how
she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's
wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
 
 The Lord replied, - - - - "You want two lanes or four on that bridge!"

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Star Trek and Iran


General News
Star Trek

The Iranian ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby where he met the United States ambassador John Bolton.

They exchanged pleasantries and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know I have just one question about what I have seen in America.

Ambassador Bolton said, "Well anything I can do to help you, I will."

The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show 'Star Trek', and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese, but no Iranians. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Arabs or Muslims on Star Trek."

Bolton laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future."


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