10 signs you might be a Taliban


General News
10 signs you might be a Taliban

10.  You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

9.  You own a $300 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

8.  You have more wives than teeth.

7.  You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6.  You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

5.  You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.

4.  You've never been asked, 'Does this burka make my butt look big?'

3.  You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

2.  A common compliment is, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

And, the NUMBER ONE SIGN you might be a member of the Taliban:

1.  You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.
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Rebate


General News
How to use your upcoming rebate

As you may have heard, the Bush Administration said each and every one of us would now get a nice rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs, if we purchase a computer it will all go to India, if we purchase fruit and vegetables it will all go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatamala, if we purchase a good car it will all go to Japan, if we purchase useless crap it will all go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America, so the only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes and beer, since those are the only businesses still in the US.

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Rules for living in Houston


General News
Rules of living in the Houston area Rules of Houston.
H-Town, 3rd Coast, Bayou City , The Dirty 3rd, or whatever you wanna call it.

1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is "Hue-stun," not "Ewe-stun", or "house-tun" Oh yea, the street is pronounced "San Phil -ee-pay," not" San Phil -eep" (San Felipe). Enunciate, you idiots!

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Houston has its own version of traffic rules...Hold on and pray. There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Houston . We all drive like that.

3. All directions start with, "Go down to Loop 610".... which has no beginning and no end.

4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic... a " Scenic Drive ."

5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00AM to 10:00AM. The evening rush hour is from 3:00PM to 7:00PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one off the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going, to avoid getting into any cross-traffic's way.

7. Kuykendahl Road can ONLY be pronounced by a native Houstonian.

8. Construction on I-10, I-45, US 59 and Loop 610 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment.

9. All unexplained smells are explained by the phrases, "Oh, we must be in Pasadena !" or "God, I hate Baytown !" or "Mmm, smell that Texas City !"

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.

11. All old ladies with blue hair in a pink Cadillac have total right-of-way.

12. The minimum acceptable speed on Loop 610 is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy. In turn, the minimum speed on Westheimer is at least 45mph.

13. The wrought iron on windows in east Houston is NOT ornamental.

14. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says, "Keep honking, I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone.

15. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 mph in a 60 mph zone, people are not waving when they go by.

16. The Sam Houston Toll road is our daily version of NASCAR.

17. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.

18. When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to Louisiana .

19. If you live in Katy and I live on the south side of Houston we'll never hang out.

20. The best thing about being drunk between 2-5 am is Whataburger will serve both breakfast and normal menus.

21. You are always able to be pulled over by any police vehicle, even if you were just given a ticket.

22. You don't have to wait for an exit to get off a freeway, just follow the ruts in the grass to the feeder like everyone else. This is how Houston resident's notify Texas Department of Transportation where exits should have been built.

23. Else-where, they are called frontage roads. Here in Houston , they are called FEEDER roads, so don't look stupid when we say "Exit the feeder road and use the loop-d-loop"

If you don't live here, most of this will sound utterly insane, but to all of us who call this home..nothing but the truth and you know it!!!
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It's hell to get old


General News
It's hell to get old ....

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked!

"You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open".
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Redneck Book of Manners


General News
Tips From the Redneck Book of Manners:

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is
still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out

1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.

2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor, as the restaurant
may not have dogs.

Entertaining In Your Home

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his
manners are.

Personal Hygiene

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be done in private using one's OWN truck keys

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger
foods.

Dating (outside the family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to
go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years
ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer,
it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such
as, "Ya'll sure don't sweat much fer a fat gal."

Weddings

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an
appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.

5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the
sack.

Driving Etiquette

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is
loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite
to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when
driving.

6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Two Reasons why it is hard to solve a Redneck Murder?

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.
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40 Things Never Said By Rednecks


General News
40 Things Never Said By Rednecks

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many grams of fat.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
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